From an outsider’s perspective, your father might be seen as a bigger-than-life personality, someone who draws people from every background. Alternatively, your mother could appear as the ideal woman, constantly striving to meet others’ needs while managing everything effortlessly.
Yet beyond the facade, all deception disappears. Just you, their offspring, understand the experience of enduring their icy treatment day after day because of a small mistake, or facing relentless expectations that aren’t suitable for your age, demanding flawlessness and toughness. You’re familiar with being raised by someone who has narcissistic tendencies.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder
is among the 10 personality disorders outlined in the
DSM: Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders
a definitive psychiatric reference. Individuals with narcissistic traits often exhibit an
inflated sense of self-worth
and build their sense of self around the admiration and validation from others. Their personal connections tend to be shallow, centered mainly on how others perceive them, lacking much genuine compassion for the other person’s feelings. They truly feel superior to those around them, yet they are also susceptible to
feeling intense shame
regarding the criticisms they get or errors they commit.
Scientists believe that fewer than 1% of people in the general public show signs of “classic” narcissistic personality disorder, yet approximately
two to 16 percent
Many individuals seeking therapy suffer from the condition. This often occurs because family members or close friends have insisted they get treatment, threatening to end relationships, jeopardize careers, or lose other important aspects of their lives, according to therapist Wendy Behary, owner of The Cognitive Therapy Center of New Jersey and writer of the book
Removing the Threat of a Narcissist: Coping and Succeeding Among the Ego-Centric
.
However, offspring of narcissistic parents often find themselves unable to ask their parents for assistance. Indeed, they might not recognize that their parents had narcissistic traits until they turn to professionals for aid with their personal issues, according to Behary, an expert in helping individuals with NPD and their “survivors.” Although narcissists exhibit various forms and display different symptoms along a continuum, Behary highlights several indicators that grown children can use to determine whether they were raised by a narcissist. Below are some insights from her as well as psychologist Craig Malkin, writer of the book
Reevaluating Narcissism: The Negative—and Unexpected Positive—Aspects of Believing You’re Unique
Identify the indicators of a narcissistic parent, and outline steps for grown children to take in order to stop repeating harmful choices.
1. You’re an entirely passive person.
A self-centered parent tends to disregard their family’s well-being in pursuit of personal wants, rarely considering others’ requirements. As a consequence, certain adults who grew up with such parents might compensate excessively, going out of their way to ensure nobody views them similarly. Alternatively, these individuals might have spent their entire life hearing that their needs aren’t important. In either case, the outcome remains consistent: They allow others to take advantage of them since they lack awareness of their own needs and struggle to communicate them effectively.
They can’t express, ‘I count,’ or ‘I have desires’ because it seems self-centered,” said Behary. “A person who is desperately trying not to be a selfish parent often gets overlooked.
I’ve worked with clients whose parents made them feel ill, insane, or self-centered just for stating their simplest desires,” said Malkin. “One of my patients felt so insignificant and terrified as an adult that he experienced night terrors and would shrink back when encountering any figure of authority, since they brought back memories of his abusive dad.
What you can do:
Acquire extensive knowledge about narcissism so you can recognize the harmful messages you were exposed to during your upbringing and begin challenging them.
If I encounter someone who was raised by a narcissistic parent, or if I become aware that this could be true, it’s crucial for me to ensure they fully grasp the various aspects of narcissism,” stated Behary. “Together, we determine the specific form of narcissism their parent exhibited, but even more significantly, we must identify the parts of themselves that were lost over time.
2. You’re worried that you could potentially be a narcissist.
Not all individuals overcompensate because of exposure to narcissism. Certain kids realize that the best way to escape mockery and mistreatment is to mimic their narcissistic parents, and with time, this strategy for surviving becomes how they truly perceive life. Adults who took up such defense strategies might end up belittling others due to an underlying anxiety — stemming from their early years — that if they don’t display power upfront, they risk being overwhelmed once again, as they did during childhood, according to Malkin. “Highly determined children, who tend to be more outgoing right from the start, occasionally develop narcissistic traits themselves in a kind of ‘If you can’t beat them, join them’ approach,” he added.
What you can do:
Consult with an expert to assist you in overcoming harmful behavioral cycles, particularly if you currently have a partner and/or kids.
Kids raised by narcissistic parents who end up using harsh language and throwing insults still have hope, but they must be willing to put in emotional effort,” stated Malkin. “They should learn to embrace — and share — sensitive emotions such as sorrow, isolation, anxiety, and being overwhelmed with people they care about.
3. You experience constant competition against, or feelings of resentment toward, your brother or sister.
People with narcissistic traits often struggle with setting clear personal limits and tend to see others as parts of their own identity. Within households having multiple kids, one might be selected to embody the narcissist’s finest attributes. This child receives the majority of recognition, admiration, and assistance, yet faces intense expectations to excel constantly. Meanwhile, another child could become the recipient of criticism and humiliation from the parent, being unfairly held responsible for problems and seen as an encumbrance who consistently falls short when measured against the favored sibling. These individuals might even be accused of causing the narcissistic parent to behave abusively. Both these perspectives represent contrasting aspects of a narcissist’s character; however, the experiences of the favored child and the scapegoat lead to entirely distinct upbringings, which frequently result in conflict between them—often continuing well beyond childhood.
What you can do:
Contact your brother or sister about what you have discovered. If you were the favored child, you may feel bitterness towards your sibling because they faced much less stress than you did. However, if you were the one who took the blame, you could feel angry at your sibling for receiving all the recognition and success while you got nothing. Recognize that the narcissist intentionally creates conflict between individuals to meet their own desires, and this situation was not something you caused.
Highly self-centered individuals enjoy placing others on high stands—almost as much as they like bringing them down,” stated Malkin. “Ideal people never let you down, so if you look up to someone—even your children—you won’t have to fear disappointment or pain. Scapegoating achieves similar outcomes. You’ll never have to be concerned about setting unrealistic expectations and feeling let down since none of us truly anticipate anything from those we see as insignificant.
There is still hope for brothers and sisters who found themselves in this situation during their childhood, according to Behary — even if all they ultimately have in common is the joint experience of growing up with a narcissistic parent.
They may end up developing an intense connection with each other,” noted Behary. “Shared experiences as captives enduring various stages of torment, depending on how severe the narcissist’s behavior is in their lives.
4. Occasionally, you have sensed that you were more of your parents’ companion rather than their offspring.
Not every individual with narcissistic traits dominates the scene through loud and aggressive behavior. Certain narcissists gain focus by portraying themselves as victims or presenting their issues as more severe compared to others’. Additionally, they might attempt to manipulate others’ behaviors by hinting at self-harm unless specific conditions are met.
Individuals raised by such narcissistic parents often experience their childhood as a continuous effort to manage crises, constantly putting out fires or striving to keep harmony within the household to avoid harm. Several of Behary’s patients have shared that they felt closer to their mother’s spouse rather than being seen as her child, which placed an immense emotional responsibility on them—more so than what the parent provided. Alternatively, some described their lives as centered around preventing their father from becoming upset with the family.
The feeling of dramatic tension that the child believes they must handle,” said Behary. “To accomplish this, they truly have to sacrifice many of their natural childhood desires.
What you can do:
Spend some time recognizing the young child who remains within you, and inquire about their past and ongoing needs. Behary suggests utilizing the strength of imagination — possibly supported by
photos from childhood
— recognizing the emotional requirements that were unmet and continue to go unnoticed by your parents.
She continues to endure hardship inside, and she requires someone who cares for her,” stated Behary. “She must feel that everything is okay. She should understand that she also has rights.
5. Your sense of value comes entirely from what you accomplish.
Certain offspring of narcissistic parents come to understand that surviving in life often requires mimicking their parent’s actions, with their value measured through productivity, accomplishments, and success. Although these adults might not experience the dangerously low self-regard and intense feelings of guilt typical of genuine narcissists, they can adopt traits such as overworking since their worth has always been tied to how well they perform.
The offspring of a narcissist comes to understand that what truly counts is their ability to create something in the world, rather than simply existing as an individual,” stated Behary. “[This] closely mirrors how the narcissist interacts with the world, although children of narcissists might lack the same bold, exaggerated exterior — they tend to be more emotionally distant and internally focused.
What you can do:
Behary advises trying to put yourself in your parent’s shoes. You don’t need to feel compassion for them, yet it may prove beneficial to mentally step into someone else’s emotions and actions, gaining insight into their mindset and choices, regardless of whether you support them. Due to her experience working with individuals who exhibit narcissistic traits, Behary recognizes that these people frequently endure significant pain since the coping mechanisms developed during their early years end up causing issues for them as adults.
Some scholars believe that there could be a possibility of
biological basis
this means certain individuals may be more prone to narcissistic traits compared to others, with many agreeing that the personality disorder originates from a
complex mix of factors
which involve extremely severe criticism and/or excessive praise during early years, leading the child to protect their fragile sense of self-worth by adopting a powerful, flawless image. This also makes the child highly dependent on approval, respect, and compliments to feel secure, while leaving them
especially vulnerable
to the smallest bit of negative feedback, according to the Mayo Clinic.
“I’m concerned for the [narcissists] I collaborate with since I understand they’re experiencing pain beneath the surface,” stated Behary. “Individuals might comment, ‘You’re too kind towards them,’ and I respond by saying I hold them accountable for their negative actions, yet I don’t attribute blame to them for their development.” Behary highlights that although narcissists may have become this way without any wrongdoing on their part, it is entirely up to them—not their offspring—to take action regarding it.
6. You lack an understanding of who you are, what you desire, what you require, or what you aim to achieve.
A key characteristic of narcissism is an exaggerated sense of self-importance: beliefs or emotions suggesting someone is better than others, despite lacking the accomplishments to support this view. According to Behary, narcissistic parents might consider themselves exceptional, yet since they haven’t reached a particular degree of achievement, they could derive purpose by experiencing life through their children instead.
Many kids of narcissistic parents might say, ‘I’m not certain how I got into this job since I never truly knew what I wanted,’” noted Behary. Alternatively, “I constantly felt as though I was meant to be more of an extension of my mom instead of being myself.
What you can do:
Some individuals may find it beneficial to reduce or eliminate contact with parents who exhibit abusive or controlling behavior. As explained by Malkin, not every parent with narcissistic traits engages in abuse. However, those displaying severe levels of narcissism might cause their grown children to feel diminished and lost. In such cases, minimizing interaction with these harmful dynamics could be the most secure option for adult offspring, particularly when the parents refuse to acknowledge any wrongdoing.
According to Malkin, there are three indicators that an adult child might want to limit or cut off contact with their parents: abuse, denial, and psychopathy. Nobody should be forced to endure emotional or physical mistreatment, and if parents refuse to recognize that there is an issue initially, it’s unlikely things will improve. Psychopathy, characterized here as consistent dishonesty and unfeeling control, suggests that these parents not only struggle to understand others’ perspectives but could also be incapable of feeling empathy or having a moral compass.
Perpetrators are entirely accountable for their abusive actions, and only they have the power to cease it,” Malkin stated. “As long as they continue, encounters will remain unsafe.
